Ep 154 I Just Want Everything to Stay the Same

Carly used to want everything to stay the same. Change felt sudden, big and destabilising, no matter how much notice she got.

This episode looks at why change can feel so hard for the nervous system, and a few things that really help. Including the bit that often gets missed in wellness spaces: the difference between resting to restore yourself and resting to endure something you don't need to stay in.

If you'd like someone alongside you while things are shifting, that's what the Embodied Strength Profile is for. We pull the threads together and find a grounded next step you can trust. In person at Still Space Hull or online, wherever you are find out more here https://carlykillen.com/embodied-strength-profile

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Transcript

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0:47

Hello, and welcome back to Rooted in Presence. I'm Carly, your curious midlife guide and founder of Still Space Hull. And here we are at episode 154. And we're gonna start this week with a confession. Did you know that for a very long time, I also wanted everything to stay the same? Change used to just be sudden to me, no matter how much notice I got. Big, destabilizing, something that happened to me, usually at the worst possible moment, and I've certainly had my fair share of surprises over the years, welcome and otherwise. But something has shifted these last few years. I've noticed I'm actually getting excited about living differently. Which if you told me that 10 years ago, I would not have believed you. So this week it really came home to me. I was sitting in the middle of the studio, and I noticed how much the, the light was changing. The, those lower, more golden, autumnal light sparkles coming in at different angles, and the trees outside are just starting to turn, and none of that happened overnight, but nobody flicked a switch or anything. It's definitely been happening gradually, which I know. But it happens a little bit every day, but yeah, I really just noticed this week So it did really bring home to me that change doesn't really need to be that big sudden thing. It's definitely those little things over time that create the biggest shifts, and I think that's what I've been learning these last few years. Everything has its season. So I'm not gonna pretend I've got this all figured out though, even if I sound super profound just then. But I still have plenty of things ruffling my feathers. There's still plenty of moments that catch me holding my breath for a second or two here and there. But something really has changed. So yeah, what is different? Well, I think it's this. I think I just don't get stuck there anymore the way I used to. Things, emotions, stuff, it does tend to just move through much more easily than it used to. But does that mean I'm coasting along on easy street? Well, absolutely not. If anything, it's made me a lot braver, uh, which brings a whole other set of challenges with it, of course they do. And, and yeah, it's a good job I've got a few tools in my, my kit there. So, so today I want to share a little of why change can feel so hard and a few of the things that really help, at least really help me and my clients anyway. And this is not about making change stop because, well, it won't. There's always more things around the corner, but it's more so it doesn't knock you off your feet quite so often. So yeah, if you're up for that, stick around So let's start with why all this can feel so hard, because I think understanding that can take a lot of self-blame out of all of this. So your brain is essentially a prediction machine. It's constantly using what it already knows to guess what's coming next so it can get you ready. And when life is familiar, that's pretty easy. The predictions are pretty good. Your system can relax. But change does also bring with it uncertainty, and uncertainty makes those predictions a lot harder. And when your system can't predict what's coming, it tends to play it safe and treat the unknown as a potential threat, just in case. I mean, it's kept us alive this long, so yeah, why not? And if you listen to the episode 146, perhaps this will sound familiar. It's that same kind of ancient scanning system doing its job. A, a key player in that is a small almond-shaped part of the brain called the amygdala, which helps flag up anything that might be deemed as a threat. So if change can make you feel wobbly, tense, a bit on edge, even when the change is a good one, that's not you being weak and you're definitely not being a drama queen. It's actually a nervous system doing exactly what nervous systems are supposed to do. And the good news is, there's quite a lot we can do to support that. Yay. So the first thing, unsurprisingly, is breath. Of course, I'm gonna bring that in. Something like coherence breathing, where we talked about this in the last episode or a few episodes ago, 151, I think. Coherence can give you a steadier sense of yourself when everything around you is shifting. Having something within you that you can return to, something rhythmic, familiar, it can be incredibly grounding. So your breath comes with you through every change. It's not something you can leave at home or forget, so it's always there for you. So this is something you can do, you know? So this is something you can do for yourself. But breathwork can do something else too, something that I really enjoy. It can actually allow you to practice change in a way your nervous system can actually manage. Now, it's not often life delivers you changes in manageable chunks. Quite often, especially for the way I've experienced things, it can feel like it's coming at you like a barrage of stuff that all needs to be handled all at once. But with breathwork, we get to do that a little bit differently. So in my sessions, we might use something like conscious connected breathing, which brings a little bit of activation, a bit of stirring up, and then we can alternate with slower, steadier, more restful breaths, bringing ourselves up a little bit and back down, up a little bit, back down again. And what we call this are titration and pendulation, which I've mentioned in some previous episodes. Essentially they're small manageable doses of activation, then a return to some form of steadiness. And what that teaches your body is that it can move into something new and a bit unsettled, but come back again, which is when you think about it, exactly what change and life asks of us. So it's kind of a bit of a rehearsal, a safer place to practice the very thing that life will constantly ask us to do So breathwork also offers somewhere to rest even when life feels completely chaotic and upside down before anything gets to settle down again, and that's a good thing, too. I would encourage you to take the opportunity when you can. But there's something I want to add here, too, because this is often missed in a lot of wellness spaces. Things like breathwork, yes, yoga, a cacao ceremony, a long, hot bath, whatever it is that settles you can be absolutely wonderful. It can restore you. It can even be a temporary escape when you really need one, and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes these things get used for something else, not to change a situation, but to make it bearable, to breathe our way past a difficult conversation we keep not having, or to cope with the work environment that keeps wearing us down rather than doing anything about it And you'll sometimes hear the message that if you can just relax, everything will be fine. But sometimes the activation you're feeling isn't necessarily the problem. Quite often it's the message. Your body might be telling you, quite reasonably, that something actually does need to change And that doesn't mean it all has to change tomorrow. Sometimes the change is a long way off, and rest is exactly what is gonna help you get there. But there's a difference between resting to restore yourself and just resting to endure something that you don't need to be staying in. So use the breath, let it restore you, and then let it help you meet your life, not just put up with it. Because if you find yourself breathing your way through the same stuff every single day, day in, day out, it might not be your breathing that needs to change And then there's another aspect. There is strength, which you probably knew I'd get to eventually There's something about lifting weights that squeeze and release, the gripping and the letting go, that actually does something for our heads as well as our bodies. There's actual research behind this too. So resistance training has been associated with reductions in depressive symptoms, which is made up of a large review of studies. So squeezing some metal might be doing more for you than you realize, for those of you that partake. But the bit I find most interesting for times of change with all this is that many people tell me that feeling physically stronger gives them, like, this greater sense of agency. A sense of, "Yeah, I can handle this. I can hold weight. I can carry this." And that feeling of capability in your body can be a real anchor when so much other parts of life feel so uncertain. So if you're navigating a lot of change at this moment, and let's face it, who isn't, I hope this helps you breathe a little easier, Or at least get a little curious, because meeting change with curiosity rather than bracing against it is a whole other level. And if you'd like some support with that, this is exactly where my embodied strength profile is for. When life is shifting, one of the most helpful things can simply be having someone else alongside you, a non-judgmental witness walking with you, ready with suggestions if you've run dry or just don't know what to do next. So although most of the time you already do have everything you need inside you, sometimes you might just need a little help finding it. So in the Embodied Strength Profile, we pull all those little threads together, how you move, how you breathe, how your body responds to what life is asking of you right now. And from there, we find a grounded next step that you can trust. Something to anchor you through the change rather than hunkering down and waiting for it all to be over, because there's always more change around the corner, and I think you know that. It does help to have something steady to come back to And of course, we can do all of that at Still Space Hull or online, wherever you are. You'll find the details at stillspacehull.com and in the show notes. So until next time, may you meet yourself with compassion, walk with presence, and remember, you already have everything you need